Slow starts, rebellion and the thing about being vulnerable and creative that sucks.

But not in that order.

I'm asking you to consider inspiration. If you have read Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert, I'm dying to hear your take on her beautiful, precious, magical way of thinking about ideas floating around as conscious entities looking for people to manifest them into reality, and about your very own unique and important connection to creativity.

This book changed my life. Inspiration, I believe, may be the maker or breaker of all of our lives. For better or worse. Inspiration coupled with healthy courage, perhaps, is the recipe for those kind of lives that seem so rich and interesting and different and dare I say, enviable. (Check out Brene's definition of envy in Atlas of the Heart - I like to use this term now. With sure accuracy.)

Anyway, it was this book , Big Magic, that was probably where I found the willingness to respond to my excitement about atomic habits and to start a project like this, inviting you to join - taking it both very seriously and very lightly.

Now, however, I realize I'm slightly paralyzed in a sort of slow start. To begin I get excited, then confused, then frustrated, then excited and passionate again. (Guess what I am, right now!) The thing is, I know this whole idea may stall out and land heavy without any forward momentum, but I know too, that it has infinite potential to be profound and exciting, and full of energy. I know that I chose to take a chance and put it out there. And I know I'm vulnerable to my own limitations and to how it's received. And that's HUGE for me. I think it's huge for anyone daring, if not greatly, even slightly.

Now, as I continue to tip toe, then rush, then pause, then crawl through the hours of my days, and the days and weeks of my life, I am working hard to keep saying yes and no, as I go. This is dynamically different than the "ok", "sort of", "I'll get to it" and "I'll try"s of my previous life up this point. I am experimenting with yes and no - clean, decisive. I'll let you know how it goes, of course. This is an attempt to nurture my inspiration and my curiosity toward the things I am putting my energy into, instead of the more common way of judging, evaluating, analyzing and critically concluding my worth as a result of my results. You know what I mean.

In fact, I'm just teetering on the edge even now. As I try to smile and write these words. This is part of vulnerability and creativity that sucks. It's all about the creative inspiration and sometimes, as we all know, it just isn't there. And so we grind.

I have thoughts of why this happens. It's all about rebellion. Those of you trained in NLP remember the frame of thinking around moving towards and moving away from, right? Well inspiration feels the same, regardless of, out of which, it came. And can, fortunately, be reignited by both kinds of motivation. I have long wanted to do my own thing. Totally 100% my own. And yet, I am in a partnership and I understand I need to appeal to the people to make an income and I know too that art is not necessarily the alter for coaching etc. etc. However, I still wanted a reflection as true as I could make it, of me. Actual me.

Recently, I realized I no longer wanted this, but needed this; A place I could create and connect that was uncompromised in it's expression. This means animals pictures all over the place for no reason, and fonts don't need to match and rules that don't have to be set out clearly and words don't even need to get edited. It's very light.

And where authenticity drips from it and open questions float and sentences can be left hanging and ideas don't have to fit. Effort can be rewarded no matter the outcome and nothing, nothing, nothing matters more than the pursuit of curiosity into our thoughts and feelings and motivations and desires and how we might change our lives to make them fit us more comfortably and beautifully as we choose. Very Serious.

And so, here it is. I rebelled to get this. I was moving AWAY from conformity and well behaved websites and clean lines and clear outcomes. But this kind of rebellious motivator, it acts a bit like a mad scientist, spilling and mixing up notes and gleefully inventing shit, sometimes on point like genius and sometimes completely, utterly loosing the plot and hoping no one notices until inspiration hits again and it all comes together to be meaningful somehow for something.

And so my friends, I don't know yet how I'm going to move from this slow start to something meaningful. But, "yes" I will persevere, and so, I know I will. And "no" I won't waste time bemoaning my lack of doing it all right. And I love you for waiting. Maybe write something. This blog is as much yours as mine. Reach out. Meet me, here, I'll be waiting.

Also, vulnerability and creativity don't suck at all. Just sometimes we suck when we are scared of our vulnerability and our creativity.

Also, read Big Magic if you haven't already. It's ......well, magical.

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